Rooted

For the larger part of my life, I didn’t feel rooted in anyone, anything, or any place. I lacked belonging. I didn’t always feel chosen. I didn’t always feel understood. I felt adjacent to my own life—present, capable, but never fully anchored.

I could blame a lot of people and circumstances. There are plenty of moments where people failed me. Where people didn’t show up for me. Circumstances that I should not have been placed in. The weight of physical and emotional pain that shouldn’t have been mine to carry.

But, in all fairness, there was also a time when I was also self destructing. I was selfish. I did not consider how my actions hurt other people.

I have a story just like you.

Trauma. Pain. Repeat.

I do not blame anyone, at least not anymore.

I’m not sure when that shift occurred inside me, but, over time I just accepted that quietly forgiving everyone, including myself was the most important step in healing.

Resoundingly important is that I forgave MYSELF.

I extended grace to ME.

I showed up for ME.

I extended compassion to ME.

I have done this through years of slow building. That building started with allowing God into the drivers seat. For a long time, he was confined to trunk. Tucked away for an emergency like a spare time. Now, he drives and I ride. I trust him. I trust his will for my family. I believe in his goodness. I am thankful for his mercy.

I deserved, just as anyone does, to not be defined for momentary lapses of judgment and poor choices that do not or did not define my entire existence.

Over the course of the last twelve years, I have consistently placed value on integrity, loyalty, honesty, and accountability. I value authenticity in myself and others. I never expect anyone to be perfect, but I do expect them to be honest. Honest about their mistakes and growing in maturity of their understanding of how their choices impact their life and those around them. I am quick to establish boundaries and distance from those who do not share the same values or are not actively working to grow.

I will always fiercely protect my own dignity and the dignity of those I love.

But, even with steady growth, forgiveness, and God’s mercy, people will still look at you through the lens of your mistakes. People will still choose to define you through your mistakes.

And guess what? That stings.

For years, I carried the weight of shame and embarrassment. I kept my head down or avoided rooms in which I knew the judgment would be the strongest.

I ostracized myself. I shrunk.

Eventually though, in the process of forgiving myself, I stopped reducing myself to the weight of shame and embarrassment from all those years ago.

I know that I have steadily lived in a way that is reflective of transformation. I consistently live in a way that reflect my values. I have built a family. I show up for my family faithfully. I have grown in self-awareness. I have chosen integrity even when no one was watching.

I lean in to this verse from Psalm, “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.”

Hope is never gone for any of us.

God has forgiven me.

I have forgiven me.

And, although I would love the same grace from my neighbors, I no longer need it. I no longer need the validation from people that have their own work to do. I no longer need validation from people who do not carry the weight of my cross.

I am rooted in God. His validation of who I am satisfies me.

If you struggle with the past, root yourself in God and let him heal you.

He will perform miracles over your life.

Hope is not fragile. It is rooted.