I know just reading that last word sent many of you into a frenzy. You probably questioned what the heck kind of craziness or nonsense I was about to spill out. The truth is that I do not know much about the topic. I do not want to know any more than I already do, but for some reason beyond my ability to comprehend I’m being forced into it.
I’ll start with this. I believe in God and because I believe in God I know there is light. I also acknowledge that darkness must also exist if I believe in the light. I’ve always accepted that there is darkness at surface level—there is a devil and Jesus died to save me from him; however, recently I’ve become more alert to the depths of darkness—the wager for my soul and my children’s.
Looking back at my life, I’ve always had a strong pull towards God. This desire to know him was deeply rooted in me even as a child. I can remember riding bikes in Lakeside with my friend Mallorie and making plans to go to the church at the front of the subdivision. I didn’t know anything about “organized” religion. I was not baptized. My parents didn’t regularly bring me to church or expose me to prayer or the Bible. I just wanted to go to a church and be with God. Whatever that can possibly mean as a preteen.
In eighth grade, I switched to a private school. It was during this year that I had to play catch up. While most of my peers could recite simple prayers such as the Our Father or Hail Mary, I had to learn them all. I can remember crying at night because I was so overwhelmed with how much I did not know.
Fast forward and I quickly caught up, was baptized, and was able to participate in the sacraments of the Catholic Mass. A beautiful Mass that I deeply love and appreciate.
It’s always been simple. Go to mass on Sunday’s. Say my prayers. Attend confession a few times a year. Love God.
It’s not that simple anymore though. It hasn’t been for a while. Recently, I’ve been forced to accept that if I believe in God. I must also acknowledge that Satan exist. I must also accept that there are demons. Guys, it’s no longer simple.
It’s become extremely complicated. I worry I sound like a crazy person. I worry that people won’t believe me. I worry that I am actually losing it.
I never shared this with anyone but Clint because I was quite frankly so embarrassed. I was ashamed that I would sound crazy and no one would ever believe me. I was also ashamed that maybe this was happening because I was a sinner. I was making mistake after mistake. I thought if I talk about this, I have to talk about how bad of a person I am. This means that I am a bad person. Over time, a little something in me has changed and I recognize that sometimes mustering up courage can help others so here goes…
This all started many years ago. I was sleeping one night and I woke up reciting the Hail Mary with sweat beads dripping down my face and back. I had been dreaming of a dark figure hovering over me. It was as if it wanted to “take me.” I truly believe the countless repetitious Hail Mary’s sent it away. At the time, I threw it up as a terrible nightmare and moved on.
Recently though, as we were preparing for Benji’s baptism, I began fervently praying for our family that would be joining us at mass. I was excited to have everyone there and I was specifically praying that the homily that day would light a fire in their hearts. I wanted Father to do the thing he does so well, inspire and motivate. I won’t lie. I left mass a little upset that day. The homily was about the occult. THE OCCULT guys. To be honest, I didn’t even know what that was at the time. I kept thinking this is the worst homily and at such a terrible time when my people needed his best. I didn’t care about his dream catchers or ouija boards. Those things have nothing to do with me.
Fast forward a few weeks, and one night as I was going to sleep I felt this overwhelming feeling of darkness again. It’s a gut wrenching feeling that takes your breath away. I immediately began sobbing and reciting St. Michael. All of my little people were asleep in my bed with me and it was as if I was shielding everyone in prayer. At one point I had to wake Clint up to pray with me because I didn’t feel like my prayer was strong enough. Again, I know I sound crazy, but the feeling was real. It took a hours before I finally was able to close my eyes and sleep that night.
It was then that I realized that the homily that I so desperately prayed would reach everyone else might have been meant for me. He was not just referring to ouija boards and dream catchers, he was sharing the complexities of the darkness and evil. I was humbled in the most beautiful way.
The darkness is not as surface level as I like to pretend. It’s far beyond my wildest imagination, but truthfully, I would prefer to remain ignorant to its depths as long as I can.
Just remember, that we are never truly privy to the war that’s raging for someone’s heart and soul. We may not see the demons they are battling—literally and figuratively. We may never know just how hard they are fighting to remain within the light…
With all my (looney) love,
Des
Chasing Destiny 
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