Am I really the Parent?

Listen, I know I’m the momma. I’m the protector, planner, magic maker, housekeeper, laundry lady, tutor, and chauffeur. I am the momma, but sometimes I wonder, am I really the momma? Who gave me these children and decided it was a good idea for me to take care of their every physical and emotional need? I wonder if I am actually capable of this grand task. Sometimes I still feel like a 16 year old girl navigating life for the first time.

This reality really stings on rough days. You know, the days where someone does something that I have to fix or provide consequences for. The really hard days where being your friend is back burner and making sure you are a good human comes first. On those days, my burden is heavy and my heart literally aches.

Between the 15 year old and the two year old, I am routinely pushed to my limitations. In one moment, I’m trying to get out the door and my toddler that is in the process of potty training poops his pants. He doesn’t just poop his pants—he tries to hide in the bathroom, lock the door, remove his bottoms himself and in that process gets it on the toilet, floors and walls. The next moment, my fifteen year old, who is the coolest, most helpful and compassionate, and generally most hardworking girl I know, does or says something that needs redirection.

In those tough moments, I don’t always choose “empathy over anger.” Sometimes, I blow up on everyone in my path and other times, I handle it with a little more grace. The truth is that I always regret those moments that are heated. I regret my response. I regret the anger I feel in my heart. I regret that the little people that I love the most see that part of me because I want them to constantly see an example of love and grace. But even more importantly, I want them to know that they can make mistakes without being crucified by the very earthly person that loves them most. I want them to be able to come to me with those mistakes—no hiding in the bathroom—so that I can help them navigate through them. They are still little humans. Little humans that deserve unwavering unconditional love.

I know that I can do and be better for them but it will take work. I have to learn to harness my own emotions in those moments—step away and say a prayer. I’m going to work on this because they deserve the best of me on the good days and the bad days. In the mean time, I’m asking God to fill my heart with patience because I know that I really am the parent and he really did trust me with them!

So, if you are feeling overwhelmed and less than perfect, here is to knowing you aren’t alone and we can continue to be a work in progress together in our parenting journey!

Love,

Des