Friendship in your 30’s

The topic of friendship seems to come up often between Clint and I. It’s one of those things that is just plain hard at any phase of life, but particularly in your thirty’s while managing a family and careers. It involves recognizing another’s emotions and love language. It requires a willingness to share your time and energy. It requires a certain vulnerability to authentically share our imperfections.

Clint’s experience with friendship varies from mine for obvious reasons. While he was raised in a stable home and attended the same school community from prek through high school, I did not have the same upbringing. I hopped around schools and lost my parents. My own mother chose an abusive man over me. As a result, I formed unhealthy attachments in survival mode. I lived in flight-or-fight mode. I never learned how to have healthy friendships, but more importantly, I never learned how to be a good friend. I have sat with this statement for a long time—I never learned how to be a good friend. This isn’t because I didn’t want to be a good friend, it’s because I didn’t have the capacity to give anything I didn’t possess. I didn’t have the ability to meet someone else’s needs when I could barely meet my own. How could I be kind to someone else when I was not kind to myself? How could I give you authenticity when I was not living it? How could I meet your love language when I didn’t recognize my own?

Over the years, I’ve begun sitting with this reality. I have met some of the most talented women along my journey. Women that laughed with me during really dark times and took me in when my life was in shambles. I am forever grateful for their friendship during that time in my life. Lessons were learned—good and bad. To them, (they know who they are) I apologize if you are one of them that I hurt. Hurt people hurt people. Please know that I see you, I admire your accomplishments, and I pray in gratitude for you.

But I have never had a ‘girl tribe.’ I’m not a part of the group text with a bunch of girlfriends and I’m not at dinner with a group of ladies on Thursday night for Margaritas. No shame to anyone who has this…to the contrary, I envy you. It’s beautiful that you have these connections. You are blessed to have found your people. This just has not been my reality.

As I have matured and encountered stability, my trauma response has slightly altered to be something different. Instead of unhealthy attachments, I began putting myself on an island. My island protected me. I have let far and few on it out of self preservation. The mentality has been that you can’t hurt me if I don’t let you on the island. It protects my feelings and my peace. This, too, is also unhealthy, I have to be willing to let other people love me and share in the good and bad.

But guys, it’s hard. It requires a deeper level of vulnerability that I teeter with. It requires putting myself out there only to be disappointed when there isn’t reciprocation. I’m ultimately left intrinsically questioning why I was not enough or thought of. Why was I left out? Did I say something wrong? Did I not contribute enough to the conversation or food? Was I unapproachable or come across as snobby? Did I lack self-awareness? I spiral down this rabbit hole and shut down again. I revert back to the safety and comfort of my island until I come to terms with the fact that the friendship that my heart longs for won’t be found on my own little island. So, I try again in vulnerability.

My heart desires friendship based on authenticity. Life has taught me that friendship based on proximity alone is not enough. Adult friendship requires energy, timing, and a connectedness that is more than merely working together, living in the same neighborhood, or attending the same school. I want to share in the joys and challenges of your life just as much as I want you to be a part of mine. I want to watch our kids grow up together. I want your advice when life gets hard. I want you to tell me when I’m being stubborn and narrow minded. I want you to share your perspective. I want to shop together and band wagon all the latest TikTok trends.

I know my people are out there. I know our people are out there. If you are craving friendship just as much as I am, here’s my open invitation to dinner, a work out, coffee, or bingo because there is room on the island for more than just me…